To Jack and the Beanstalk – An Ode
The panto this year in 2005,
Was aimed to keep tradition alive.
Corny gags and simple plot,
A big old giant – it had the lot!
Tickets were sold by the Box Office Babe
Programmes and Posters printed on page
The funny spots of this pantomime
Could fill the rest of this evening with rhyme
So selecting the best – or at least the most funny
The ones that made me laugh from my tummy.
JIM - I’ve stood at the side in absolute shock
To see you with script - it wasn’t adhoc!
His roar and his verse were timed with precision
“Fee Four Five Fum” - a conscious decision?!
It was important to speak, and I mention this dearly
Slowly and Scottish so all could hear clearly!
“Bring me ma fud!” was some demonish pact!
And the slow droning song all part of the act!
We had a plant in the audience by the front door
She comes every year asking for more
The mind reading scene – normally slick
You gave away the answer the hat was the trick!
My favourite line cut – what’s on her head?
“A blue saucepan” the reply – but it was lost it was dead!
Don’t you think Billy – with his wig made of straw
Was the spitting image of Sandy Shaw!
And the dame, in her gypsy gear, I would beg
Was the reincarnation of Mystic Meg!
(I think I was kind there – not being funny
‘Cos I could have mentioned the song about Money !)
The prompt was kept busy – so please do not hang ‘er
To provide some lines for Clarence the Clanger
Other than that she had little to do
But catch the cannonball as it flew.
So what was she doing on Friday night
When it bounced back – it wasn’t aimed right?
The props lady Kathy in the back room
Was wizzy and organised – ready with broom
Or bubbles or balls, chains or pot
She really worked hard – she did such a lot
Some large props she made – like that large looking cobble
Or was it a stone? Either way it would wobble
When pulling the stone one had to take care
Not to lift the sword and stone in the air!
(The costumes this year looked really pretty
And I have to mention with some pity
The bits on the front of butterflies black
When watching rehearsals my mouth just went slack!
When in the transformation scene
There was something so obscene.
I apologise now for anyone there
I really tried not to stare!)
Costume ladies with needle and thread
Through long autumn evenings come to dread
The making of costumes or parts of frocks
So we should thank them lots and lots!
Some principal virgins this year we had
Vicky in the role of principal lad
Stood up front looking the part
Slapping her thigh and fighting with heart
Katy in uniform – a majorette
I wonder if she came to regret
Working with King and her partner Spick
Standing on stage and acting thick!
Gareth (or Fleshcreep) was new to the team
His whip handling went like a dream
Until he hit Kim and caused her some harm
She now has a welt mark clear on her arm!
One by one the band this year
Bent the audiences ear
With tinkles and crashes and bass turned down low
We couldn’t replace them though we’ve tried you should know!
Posh tinkling provided – he’s got a bit of a bargain
Being paid each night to play with his own argan!
The drummer as in many of our shows
Was kept well and truly on his toes
Would we salute, would I fall?
He was ready to play, whatever the call!
Jason on bass loves coming each night
He sits there and chuckles as is his right
He provides the background and even when ill
He contacts his mates – his place to then fill!
Refreshments this year got a bit out of hand
They had a list longer than my hand
Of decaf and coffee or lemon and teas
To make for the cast they were on their knees
One night they were so busy that single team
Managed to fill the kitchen with steam!
The cow needs a mention – she struggled through doors
Received all kinds of happy applause
The two bods inside – or so I’m betting
By the end of the evening were really sweating
Like Siamese twins they were joined head to bum
But all in all I think they had fun!
Spots stood up on scaffold at back
Were Tony ( the old one) and young boy Matt
It’s so hot up there they end up on their knees
And because they are spots – feel free to squeeze!
Lighting man Dave just gets on with his job
He turns up the lights to light up the mob
He turns on the spots on the stage up high
He really is a light(n)ing guy!
The soundman was new – some tall geezer Mike,
His timing on sound effects quite unlike
Previous pressers of buttons and knobs
I think we should keep him – he could do some odd-jobs!
Fleshcreep with whip and Clarence with bell
Needed some timing – didn’t he do well!
Ed, this year, was quiet and calm
He meandered round all – causing no harm
His effects were tremendous – the flash shocked ‘em all
And the snow was magical – as it started to fall!
Beryl in the chair room just in case you do wonder
What she’s doing I’ll tell you by thunder!
With those earphones and mike attached to her head
She’s a flight controller for the planes at Stansted!
The stage crew this year was made of two
That’s Ian and Tony as known to you
One night was one – Tony had to fill in
Mistakes that were made – well the lights were dim
Nobody noticed the curtains drew slack
And the dame was exposed stood at the back
Or the opening early after a song
And the two men leaving with props they’d brought on
It was slick – it’s hard work and if you do moan
I challenge you to do it alone!
The makeup with aging and spots to stick on
Started quite early with wigs to don
An orderly queue would begin to form
The girls were kept busy their painting sticks warm
The effect was all worth it – every stroke
We all looked lovely – each man, woman, bloke!
Another brush artist Tracy and team
Pulled backdrops together – they looked like a dream
The food on cardboard were works of art
It really will break my heart
When they’re shredded and broken and thrown away
I don’t think they’ll survive another day!
The chorus of eight with the two other men
Were on the stage again and again
Dressed as villagers then in black
Then with hair all fuzzed then back
Into the next lot it caused some fits
Remembering which costumes for which bits.
But they acted their hearts out did you watch their faces?
If you looked up close you could really see traces
Of fear and smiles – so well groomed
And some made the most of the line “We’re doomed!”
On Wednesday and Friday I’d point to you
We got the rap right Who? Who? Who?
Something so simple – a letter to say!
E I E I … ay?
The Finale – whoops – not our best!
The waves in the dips were not the request
Of our pair of producers Karen and Julie
At the back of the hall – they were having a ‘hooley’
Heads in hands as they watched us sway
But they’ll be back for another day!
So well done one and well done all…
Raise your glasses and stand up tall
Let’s drink to the show and do not balk
As we say goodbye to ‘Jack and the Beanstalk!’