To Jack and the Beanstalk – An Ode


The panto this year in 2005,

Was aimed to keep tradition alive.

Corny gags and simple plot,

A big old giant – it had the lot!


Tickets were sold by the Box Office Babe

Programmes and Posters printed on page


The funny spots of this pantomime

Could fill the rest of this evening with rhyme

So selecting the best – or at least the most funny

The ones that made me laugh from my tummy.


JIM - I’ve stood at the side in absolute shock

To see you with script - it wasn’t adhoc!

His roar and his verse were timed with precision

“Fee Four Five Fum” - a conscious decision?!

It was important to speak, and I mention this dearly

Slowly and Scottish so all could hear clearly!

“Bring me ma fud!” was some demonish pact!

And the slow droning song all part of the act!


We had a plant in the audience by the front door

She comes every year asking for more

The mind reading scene – normally slick

You gave away the answer the hat was the trick!

My favourite line cut – what’s on her head?

“A blue saucepan” the reply – but it was lost it was dead!

Don’t you think Billy – with his wig made of straw

Was the spitting image of Sandy Shaw!

And the dame, in her gypsy gear, I would beg

Was the reincarnation of Mystic Meg!

(I think I was kind there – not being funny

‘Cos I could have mentioned the song about Money !)


The prompt was kept busy – so please do not hang ‘er

To provide some lines for Clarence the Clanger

Other than that she had little to do

But catch the cannonball as it flew.

So what was she doing on Friday night

When it bounced back – it wasn’t aimed right?


The props lady Kathy in the back room

Was wizzy and organised – ready with broom

Or bubbles or balls, chains or pot

She really worked hard – she did such a lot

Some large props she made – like that large looking cobble

Or was it a stone? Either way it would wobble

When pulling the stone one had to take care

Not to lift the sword and stone in the air!


(The costumes this year looked really pretty

And I have to mention with some pity

The bits on the front of butterflies black

When watching rehearsals my mouth just went slack!

When in the transformation scene

There was something so obscene.

I apologise now for anyone there

I really tried not to stare!)


Costume ladies with needle and thread

Through long autumn evenings come to dread

The making of costumes or parts of frocks

So we should thank them lots and lots!


Some principal virgins this year we had

Vicky in the role of principal lad

Stood up front looking the part

Slapping her thigh and fighting with heart

Katy in uniform – a majorette

I wonder if she came to regret

Working with King and her partner Spick

Standing on stage and acting thick!

Gareth (or Fleshcreep) was new to the team

His whip handling went like a dream

Until he hit Kim and caused her some harm

She now has a welt mark clear on her arm!


One by one the band this year

Bent the audiences ear

With tinkles and crashes and bass turned down low

We couldn’t replace them though we’ve tried you should know!

Posh tinkling provided – he’s got a bit of a bargain

Being paid each night to play with his own argan!

The drummer as in many of our shows

Was kept well and truly on his toes

Would we salute, would I fall?

He was ready to play, whatever the call!

Jason on bass loves coming each night

He sits there and chuckles as is his right

He provides the background and even when ill

He contacts his mates – his place to then fill!


Refreshments this year got a bit out of hand

They had a list longer than my hand

Of decaf and coffee or lemon and teas

To make for the cast they were on their knees

One night they were so busy that single team

Managed to fill the kitchen with steam!


The cow needs a mention – she struggled through doors

Received all kinds of happy applause

The two bods inside – or so I’m betting

By the end of the evening were really sweating

Like Siamese twins they were joined head to bum

But all in all I think they had fun!


Spots stood up on scaffold at  back

Were Tony ( the old one) and young boy Matt

It’s so hot up there they end up on their knees

And because they are spots – feel free to squeeze!

Lighting man Dave just gets on with his job

He turns up the lights to light up the mob

He turns on the spots on the stage up high

He really is a light(n)ing guy!


The soundman was new – some tall geezer Mike,

His timing on sound effects quite unlike

Previous pressers of buttons and knobs

I think we should keep him – he could do some odd-jobs!

Fleshcreep with whip and Clarence with bell

Needed some timing – didn’t he do well!


Ed, this year, was quiet and calm

He meandered round all – causing no harm

His effects were tremendous – the flash shocked ‘em all

And the snow was magical – as it started to fall!


Beryl in the chair room just in case you do wonder

What she’s doing I’ll tell you by thunder!

With those earphones and mike attached to her head

She’s a flight controller for the planes at Stansted!


The stage crew this year was made of two

That’s Ian and Tony as known to you

One night was one – Tony had to fill in

Mistakes that were made – well the lights were dim

Nobody noticed the curtains drew slack

And the dame was exposed stood at the back

Or the opening early after a song

And the two men leaving with props they’d brought on

It was slick – it’s hard work and if you do moan

I challenge you to do it alone!


The makeup with aging and spots to stick on

Started quite early with wigs to don

An orderly queue would begin to form

The girls were kept busy their painting sticks warm

The effect was all worth it – every stroke

We all looked lovely – each man, woman, bloke!

Another brush artist Tracy and team

Pulled backdrops together – they looked like a dream

The food on cardboard were works of art

It really will break my heart

When they’re shredded and broken and thrown away

I don’t think they’ll survive another day!


The chorus of eight with the two other men

Were on the stage again and again

Dressed as villagers then in black

Then with hair all fuzzed then back

Into the next lot it caused some fits

Remembering which costumes for which bits.

But they acted their hearts out did you watch their faces?

If you looked up close you could really see traces

Of fear and smiles – so well groomed

And some made the most of the line “We’re doomed!”


On Wednesday and Friday I’d point to you

We got the rap right Who? Who? Who?

Something so simple – a letter to say!

E I E I … ay?


The Finale – whoops – not our best!

The waves in the dips were not the request

Of our pair of producers Karen and Julie

At the back of the hall – they were having a ‘hooley’

Heads in hands as they watched us sway

But they’ll be back for another day!

So well done one and well done all…

Raise your glasses and stand up tall

Let’s drink to the show and do not balk

As we say goodbye to ‘Jack and the Beanstalk!’